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Fathers day ,,
Saturday, 3 September 2011 09:37 by Gypsy Flower
Fathers day tomorrow... I often wish I had my father to send cards and pressies to, to spoil now I'm the adult.
But my dad only saw what was at the bottom of a bottle. I missed him even though I rarely saw him. I doubt he would reckonise me if he saw me. I believe he knows he has a daughter, I don't believe he would know it's me unless he was sober.
It was sad times for me Fathers day.
Sad times for me Mothers day too I guess (although my mother fortunately wasn't always looking at the bottom of the bottle). I think she was more looking at how to better her own life and just assumed her children could adapt to whatever was thrown at them!.
I rarely saw my mother when I was growing up. I remember the volitile relationship with my dad and her new boyfriend. A keen interest in the man that was in her life. Us kids were put to one side and let out every now and again, sometimes just to make fun of! ...That wasn't actually the case but certainly felt like it.
She at least spent a little bit longer in my life than my father did. Although it wasn't for the desire of being my mother - I felt it was more of an obligation.
This kind of issue use to make me feel so sad. I was angry with not having 'Normal' parents. I was angry not being listened to, not being looked after. Not having attention. Not feeling loved.
I was a very angry person because of the early years of my life. I was bitter, selfish, jealous, suspicious, nasty, yet confused, needy, lost and very very lonely.
Now, I see it for the better. Im a much stronger person, I'm no longer the victim. I am the survivor. I survived all of it. And I did most of it alone!
I have come to terms with the fact my parents were the way they were, they were very young.
They didn't have that experience or knowledge of bringing up children. But then, who does? until you actually have your own children how do you gain that experience?
OK i could never imagine being out of my childrens lifes. Or putting my children through the things I went through. But each person is different. And each person has their own reasons and reasoning.
I suppose my parents tried their best, I believe my mother did love us, in her own way.
They maybe lacked loving themselves at some time in their lifes, maybe when they were growing up.
I can see how growing up in a disfunctional family can have a huge impact on your own life and then on your childrens lives, if you choose to follow that same path.
I chose to lay down my own path and start walking down it holding the hands of my children.
Guiding them and protecting them. When they are ready to let go, I will let them, and watch them and see if they need a hand back up if they fall. Isn't that what parenting is all about?
My strength was my children, my motivation was my children and my better life of peace and forgiveness is from my loving husband.
The proud Father, the loving Father, the man who is always there for his children, the man who picks them up and wipes their tears. The man who will crawl around the floor so they can ride on him or hit him with pillows! or something harder at times, the man that reads them stories and takes pictures at school plays, the man that encourages his children when they feel they might fail.
The man who can see past my selfish life, my past mistakes, my evil tongue and love me for me, love us all for who we are, not what we were ..
The man who gave me his hand when I was falling down the pit of hell. The man I owe my life to.
Now I can enjoy Fathers day... And Mothers day knowing we've done a bloody good job.... considering.
I don't resent my parents anymore. They had trials of life as we all do at some point. And I know in my heart, my mother tried her best.
As much as I miss my dad, And wish he was in our lifes. I am disappointed in him, who even now, still looks for answers at the bottom of a glass. He chose to stay on that path. And that makes me sad.
I am happy to say that my Mother and I are making amends and rebuilding our relationship.
We can't bring back the lost years or fill them in. We can't change history or wish we had done things differently. The future is all we have. Its all any of us have. Time to start putting in some of todays memories to make some history thats full of happiness later on.
I am happy in myself now and I can see a brighter future.
Gypsy x
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